Happiness, ambition, and great friends…

As I wait in the Non-Equity lounge for monitor to call my name, I thought this would be a great time to properly update you, my lovely readers, so you can get the skinny on what’s been going on with me on the acting grind.

Happiness.

I’ll give you the short and sweet version:  I am happy.  Happiness is not always easy to come by in this city.  You’ve gotta fight for it.  You’ve gotta focus on your target and fearlessly claim what’s yours…  I’m referring to the pursuit of happiness, which can be pretty freaking brutal in this town.  This is especially true of the life of an actor.  Many times our happiness lies in the pursuit of our ambitions… An appetite that, if not kept in check, has the capacity to overrun our lives with work.

Ambition.

Ambition took hold of me when I decided to enroll in two different acting classes: 1) A Scene-Study class at the Einhorn School of Performing Arts at Primary Stages under the enormously talented Denis Butkus (Much Ado About Nothing), and 2) a Shakespearean Monologue Class with the lovely and magnificent Claire Warden (Midsummer Nights Dream) at The Shakespeare Forum… To summarize in just a few words how beneficial these classes have been to me is difficult in and of itself.  It has been such a rewarding experience working with so many talented individuals and making the most amazing discoveries about myself and my process.  Immersing myself in both classical and contemporary text has been wonderful and has filled my belly full of stories, both wondrously inspiring and heartwrenchingly painful.

Great friends.

I’ve always prided myself on being such an independent spirit.  Never really needing to rely on anyone for anything.  Must’ve been a survival mechanism I picked up from living here.  But lately, I’ve let in a lot of love into my life in the form of wonderful friends.  They’ve always been there, but now they are pouring in and I’ve never felt so much relief.

I remain incredibly loyal to my UH alum friends, all who I shamelessly get drunk with every Thursday night.  From the start, they have continued to be so loving and supportive and I’m so happy I have them for family.  Also, the love and support I continue to get from my friends at The Shakespeare Forum has continued to thrive and I’m so happy to be united with others in our love of poetry.

One friend I have to acknowledge is Mechelle.  Mechelle is an actor who for the past several months has been my beloved accountability partner.  This means that we have been having meeting weekly, discussing career goals, and holding one another accountable to them.  This might sound boring to the untrained ear, but Mechelle has truly become one of my best friends here in the city as a result of our relationship.  I owe a lot of creative & emotional support to her for being there for me and vice versa.  To have someone become such an integral part of my life has been wonderful… I do not want to let her go!

Other friends have come from surprisingly wonderful places such as: my Mastermind group– I created this group after taking my business course for actors and thought it’d be a smart idea to find a way to keep in touch and stay active in our careers… The group is now comprised of 60-something actors, all who are seeking support and accountability.  Looking forward to setting up our first mixer “Cinco de Mayo” style!

Sorry for the long post this time! Please stay tuned for more and I’ll do my best to keep it short!

The Will to Power…

It never fails.  Right before rent is due, I am suddenly struck by lightning with ideas, creativity, and stress-induced deadlines.  Like this blog.  Shouldn’t be this way.  I actually enjoy musing over the chaos that is my line of work, but the reality is that the lifestyle here in New York rarely beckons me to stop, take time to pause, and recollect my thoughts.  I am like a well-oiled machine, constantly shifting gears and kicking the adrenaline (that is a fast-paced life already) up several notches…

Today I want to talk about the “will to power”… This was quoted several times last night while watching Tina Packer’s Women of Will – a “dramatic discourse” on the women of Shakespeare’s plays.  The discourse was part performance and part class as Ms. Packer would deconstruct the most famous of Shakespeare’s female characters with the help of actor Nigel Gore alongside her to play whatever male role she needed him to play.

The “will to power” is the idea that these women were constantly striving to gain power and rise as equals.  It’s possible, according to Packer, that Shakespeare was trying to express this himself throughout the course of his writing.  I found this possibility to be incredibly illuminating as it has been a long-standing tradition throughout the course of history that women’s voices end up becoming diminished, treated as lesser or of weaker value, or completely misunderstood in the story-telling.

This brought up some great questions about how we tell our stories and how stories are continuing to be told to others.  As a story-teller myself, I feel a sense of responsibility towards my audience, especially those of younger generations looking for models of character, particularly women, striving to achieve empowerment no matter what situation or conflict they come across.  Through the lens of a patriarchal society, the roles of women have been compartmentalized into different boxes.  We become one-dimensional, playing the role of Box No. 1, the virtuous virgin in one play, or Box No. 2, the easily-laid whore in another (pardon my bluntness).  These limitations have been troublesome and have created deep-seated confusion among women, and among men trying to understand women, as to who and what our roles are.

Even in contemporary plays, there seems to be a continuous confusion, almost an identity-crisis, as to what it means to be a woman.  A great example of this is a recent observation I made while in a scene-study class focusing on 21st Century text.  The class is predominantly female with the exception of 2-3 males, and each week we have to find a scene from a new play.  As we pair off with our classmates, it is of no surprise that there is a high demand for scenes between two women, yet low supply.  What is surprising is that what few scenes are written for women to play usually center around women who are sexually confused,  who are jealous of what the other woman has, and who betray one another in a sexual frenzy…  This isn’t to say that there aren’t examples of this in real life.  But this is not the whole story.

I was so fascinated by this idea of the “will to power”… As an actor, I am constantly asking myself as I delve into a role is: “Where is my power?” “How do I get it?” “What can I do to convince this other person to help me achieve power?”  It’s a complete paradigm shift from assuming the role of the fallen woman, that things are “done unto me” and that I have no choice, no alternative, no logical reasoning, but to “take it”… to the realization that I hold way more cards than I thought possible.  That I have so much more at stake, and that my life, my wits, and my passions have a higher price.  That I am actually one of the most powerful players in this game we call life.

I so enjoyed this discourse and it’s continued to reinforce my belief and passions towards telling empowering messages about women even as they are undergoing disempowering circumstances.  If you are in New York, please take a look at Women of Will.  It’s so good to see classic stories with as rich a language as Shakespeare shed new light and reflect truths about ourselves.

Check out the link to the trailer below.

“Women of Will”‘s Tina Packer Offers a Dazzling Look at Shakespeare’s Leading Ladies

Wedding bells and Finding community…

I have missed my blog-posting deadline a couple of times in the new year, but I am back!  Do forgive me!

I just got back from my Southern stomping grounds to watch my beautiful cousin get married, where I had the honor and the privilege of singing for her big day.  It almost did not happen as there were snow storms and I.D. issues working against me.  But by the grace of someone’s God I made it through and got to spend the most wonderful weekend celebrating a momentous occasion in my family’s life.  On the day of the wedding, I was scheduled to have a pre-wedding rehearsal with the church’s musical director, and little did I know that I would be singing out high above the pews from the back of the church alongside a massive organ piano.  No microphones, no nothing.  Just sing out, Louise!  And thank Buddha, it came out lovely!

I’m back in the Big Apple now and want to talk about finding community . . .

After spending a brief and incredibly rewarding weekend with loved ones, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to create your own family.  As an artist, finding proper support in a large and hectic city is invaluable.  So much of what we do as actors require us to act alone (i.e. examine internally so we can properly express it externally, come up with our own business-marketing skills, go out to auditions, nurse ourselves to better health when we don’t get the job), and yet so much of our preparation is about paving the way to work onstage in communion with others . . .

The story-telling business is not one of lawyers or stockbrokers who shelve their feelings behind suits and ties.  We don’t do that in this business . . . or at least we try not to.  We have to develop thick skins that can withstand rejection of countless job prospects, yet be open and available to express some of our deepest and most fragile parts of ourselves to a room full of strangers.  Finding a community that has the courage and the graciousness to support you in your best and worst moments can be like finding a needle in haystack.  How do you find it in such a fast-paced town?  And once you feel you may have struck gold . . . how do you keep it?

Sometimes it feels a lot like dating.  You’re looking for the right fit.  You’re putting yourself out there.  You’re making an investment in a relationship that will hopefully come to fruition.  But all relationships take time, patience, and require a willing and giving heart.  And while we can make fast acquaintances on Facebook, developing trust, comradery, and alliances that last, however, are little more complicated.  People change and so will you.  That first taste of splendor and budding attraction will burst and then fade.  We need community to continue to grow as artists in bettering our skills and viewpoints.  But how do we do it in a city that is constantly changing, barely allowing you moments of stillness and oneness with another?

The trick is to figure out how to withstand the test of time.  That could mean showing up every week to see what’s what and let the group know you’re there.  They say that showing up is half the battle anyway, don’t they?  And that could also mean going off and finding your own way for a bit.  Go run with the wolves, and come back and share what you’ve learned.  You’re no good to your “family” unless you’ve done all the emotional work on your self first.  While you may feel like the awkward newbie cub to the pack, remember that all the other wolves were once cubs just like you.

The point is that you come back.  Don’t stop sharing your gifts.  Make the most of a good thing.  Always focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and the people in that community.  Time will tell if the bonds of fellowship are meant to last or not.  And if it’s just not working out . . . well then . . . f*** em!  lol (that last bit is a joke) ;-p

Thanks for reading!  Would love to get your feedback on this subject!

Meeting Gloria Steinem, female empowerment, and unleashing the darkness within…

Life has certainly kept me on my toes this winter.  Upon returning from Texas, where I spent a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with my nearest and dearest, I was thrown back into the world-wind that is New York City.  I was a little reluctant to go back… being surrounded by so many loving and important people in my life always makes me ache at the idea of going on without them.  But there was no time to cry about it.  I had to be back for the re-opening of Confessions of a Cuban Sex Addict [reserve your ticket here]!  We had a successful opening and I’ve been enjoying tugging onto my coat tight throughout the winter wind!  I also got to participate as a production assistant for a new series of comedy sketches, and got a great glimpse at the behind-the-scenes work put into film sets!

A serendipitous part of being so busy are the happy accidents that occur when I am so not expecting them… Like meeting GLORIA STEINEM.  This was a complete accident in that I pulled a “Dori” from Finding Nemo… meaning I got my dates confused and went to have a meeting with my fellow Playsmith actors at The Players Club – a social club or “green room” founded by Edwin Booth (19th century Shakespearean actor AND brother of John Wilkes Booth!) for actors.  This place is a historical gem.  You have to pay a lot of money to have a membership, and I don’t mind saying I plan to work my way to that level!

But ANYWAYS… So I arrive in a traveling frenzy with my rolling suitcase at hand, ready to launch myself up two floors when I notice that there is a HUGE party going on the first floor… Intriguing, but whatever.  I continue upstairs only to discover that my friends are nowhere to be found and that I came on the wrong date!  How silly of me.  I head back down, and this time I see her.  Gloria-Freaking-Steinem.  A woman who I have recently begun to revere and admire after having rewatched Miss Representation about a million times.  My limbs are weak, my heart is racing, and I know that I most certainly cannot leave this building until I meet her…  But how?

Luckily, I approached a lovely little woman posing as a wallflower with a glass of wine and I asked her what this party is for?  “Why, we’re here to honor Gloria!” she said.  I tell her how Gloria has become a recent role model for me, how I can’t believe I am in the same room with her!  Next thing I know, this wonderful woman is introducing me to Ms. Steinem!!!  Gloria was very gracious and we had a brief discussion about Miss Representation and what a useful tool it is for young women like me to identify the limiting portrayals of women in the media.  The lovely woman who introduced us mentioned how important it should be for my generation to know about Gloria.  In response to this, Gloria said, “I don’t care if young girls do not know who I am.  I care that they know who they are.  I want them to move forward, not keep looking back.”  Wow.  Amazing.  On that note, I exchanged information with the lovely woman, thanked her enormously for introducing me to Gloria, and went on my merry way to do some Shakespeare.  Bliss.

It’s women like Gloria and my recent delving into some powerful feminist literature, such as The Lolita Effect by M. Gigi Durham and Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of the Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy, that really put into perspective the lack of strong female protagonists onstage and onscreen and how we are all partially to blame for it.  That there is some sort of sad disconnect and double-standard when it comes to women seeking to achieve empowerment.  As an actor, I have begun to question this and question the roles made available to me as a “woman of color.”  What I have discovered, while extremely illuminating, has also been saddening to see pop culture embrace a lessening of standards in terms of representing women.

I’ll admit (and I’m sure I am not the first to do so) that it is extremely confusing for the modern woman to discern with complete clarity where in lies the injustice.  I mean, you see women on Girls Gone Wild look perfectly happy and giddy to “express themselves” and flash their bodies to a watchful male audience because it’s “fun.”  Even in my acting career, I get praises from men and women on being so “busty” and comments like “they oughta put you in a corset, you so hot!”  And yes, the flattery is appreciated, but is that it?  Does true female power only lie in her beauty and sexuality?

If it’s not, then as a society we must be addicted to it and not know it because I see it everywhere.  I see it in advertisements: men stand powerful and uncompromised and women stand by them [or beneath them] as highly sexualized objects in vulnerable positions, misleading us to believe that this is “strength.”  I can barely remember a funny ad that did not make me laugh without ditz-a-fying or sexualizing a woman.  I would love to see healthy-looking model promote fashion and actually be funny.  I want to see girls with personality and quirks who stand confident and happy in whatever they wear and love it.

I know when it comes to theater that there is a wide range of dramatizations, and the full scope of human emotion must and should be expressed to the fullest extent.  So have I been discovering as I have been writing my own work.  Determined to challenge myself and write strong confident women, I am almost ashamed to admit how challenging it has been for me to do it.  Probably because I have been raised to revere and look up to men, my writing is inextricably involved in the power play that happens onstage between men and women.  I say “almost ashamed” because I understand that the perspective is still my own and that patriarchy has played a role in my awakening.  The more I write, the darker the tones feel, almost making me feel uncomfortable to express them out loud… I wonder if Paula Vogel felt the same way when she wrote How I Learned to Drive…

I’m excited to continue going down the rabbit hole I have ventured on.  I’ve found so much love and support in the work I am doing, particularly from a group of very close girlfriends from my childhood who have been so gracious in sharing their stories with me.  Eager to bring other writers together to create stories!

Post-Sandy, The service of Art, and Writing what I know

“Sandy my darlin’ . . . you hurt me real bad . . . you know it’s true . . .”
- Grease lyrics to “Sandy”

Oh Sandy . . . What a mess you made.  I still find it incredible (and extremely thankful) how little my neighborhood was affected in comparison to friends of mine, many of which are still dealing with the aftermath of the storm, from power outages, lack of transportation, and temporary unemployment.  Others who were unaffected welcomed the opportunity to take a vacation, eat highly processed foods, and drink exponentially higher amounts of alcohol . . .  What a weird week this has been.

But it’s been inspiring to see the city as a whole pull together and get back on its feet post-Sandy:  Transportation has been offered for free all week as a courtesy.  Businesses have been opening their doors again–> The pizza joint downstairs has been getting a lot more business due to very hungry police officers and fire fighters working hard to help the community during the aftermath.  People conquered cabin fever and literally trekked across the bridges into Manhattan–> enough to inspire me to follow suit!  Friends have been checking up on friends, and those whose birth-families live in other states have been seeking ways to support their adopted families in NYC.  For volunteer opportunities, check out NYC Service for a list of ways you can show your support.

It was even heartwarming to see Broadway light up post-Sandy last night at a production of Annie, and watch kids in the audience all giddy with excitement.  A dear actress-friend of mine and I had a discussion during intermission regarding how difficult it is for us working in the industry to suspend belief while watching a show once you know the amount of money it takes to produce it.  She told me she missed feeling that sense of wonder that those children felt in the audience from watching their first performance.  And then it hit me . . . I finally understood what it meant to use my art to serve others.  That it is our job while we are onstage to perfect this moment . . . so that someone else can experience the magic of it.  So that someone else in need of a dream can be taken away for a couple of hours.  Yes, as actors it can be hard to give up that hunger and that craving for fulfillment that I regularly look for in roles to satisfy and satiate me.  I feel like something should be said for Miss Sandy in that Mother Nature gave NYC – the most populated city in the country – an official time-out, helping me see how beautiful this community is and that there is so much potential for us as artists to continue serving the world with our craft.

Another reason I should thank Sandy is for returning me to my writing.  There’s something about having a little bit of isolation to suddenly get artistic juices flowing.  The storm has allotted me plenty of time to fully dwell in the world of the script, which I hadn’t touched in months.  The play I am writing is about a female protagonist dealing with issues of sexism, racism, gender issues, and also figuring out what her place in the world is.  It’s been very difficult writing this play . . . Initially, I shied away from these hot-topic issues that kept popping up occasionally around the edges of the story-telling . . . There were dark twists in the making, deep-seated conflicts that my protagonist was facing . . . I felt inadequate of being able to convey that.  I would second-guess myself, feeling like some sort of fraud who maybe wasn’t truly as knowledgeable about the world and the issues women face in it . . . even though I am a woman.  The task felt too big for me, and I didn’t want the responsibility that comes with putting ink to paper and saying, “This is what I think!”

And then I was reintroduced to one of the most powerful documentaries I have seen in a long time, Miss Representation written, directed, and produced by Jennifer Siebel Newsom.  The film explores how the media has and continues to misrepresent women, creating a huge cultural influence for our young men and women, and leading to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence.  In light of the upcoming elections and the tendency of women to take a backseat on matters of politics and decision-making, I couldn’t help but feel a resurgence of emotion at the importance of women to speak up.  All of a sudden, everything was coming into focus.  Holes in my writing were suddenly filled with meaty issues, things that scared me and thrilled me, and gave me goosebumps at the thought of sharing it with the world.  If you haven’t seen this documentary, I highly recommend it–>watch it here for free<– and share this with all your lady friends and young male relatives.  It has truly inspired me to continue working on my writing, of bringing my stories to life, and creating roles featuring empowering women in unconventional roles.

Thanks for reading. If any of this resonated with you, leave a comment and let’s start a dialogue about it.

Spotlight on hot British babe in the city!

I love Brits.  I love their accents, who doesn’t?  As an American, whenever I see ridiculously good British talent onstage, I feel magically transported to other the side of the Atlantic… To times where kings and queens thrived, to where Shakespeare put his pen to parchment, and to the beginnings of the westernized world… I also have a thing for sexy Brits (if you’ve ever watched Love Actually, you know exactly what I’m talking about, but that’s a whole other tangent).  The point is that I dig Kimberly Marie Freeman, and she is one sexy, talented British babe!

Kimberly and I met at a business class for actors.  We partnered up for an exercise, and I immediately got to learn a lot about this vivacious beauty:  Kimberly is a classically trained UK actor/singer who’s been living and working in NYC for the past 3 years.  She is currently playing the role of the sexy witch Hecate in Macbeth, will be opening as the lead in Cardenio this Sunday, AND has landed a leading role Off Broadway in The House of Bernada Alba next January!  Kimberly also produces her own work, is a plus-size model, and recently appeared in a UK paper praising her for all her success in NYC!  She also rescues dogs… See why she is so hot?!

Kimberly Marie Freeman - She’s smokin’!!!

Hotness and dog-loving aside, what I find most inspiring about Kimberly is how hard she has worked to get to where she is.  She’s one of those gems I’d always hoped I would cross paths with when I first moved here just so I could pick her brain.  Kim left the comforts of her home abroad to pursue what many would say is a lucrative dream.  She’s done it with perseverance, passion, and class.  And she’s also done something that I’ve only dreamed to do: she founded her own production and theater companies.

Kimberly’s production company, Far Between Productions, is probably the newest and most exciting example of a truly functional marriage between NYC and the UK.  The company strives to offer services to both sides of the ocean, giving theater companies the support they need to produce work and make it available to the public.  The Bedlam Ensemble is an ensemble-based company Kim founded and is “dedicated to staging theatre works of high artistic integrity. Bedlam aims to nourish an open an artistic community where artists are free to experiment and challenge themselves within the entertainment industry.”  Exactly the kind of theater that gets my creative juices flowing!  A goal of the company is to strike a balance between classic & contemporary plays, which greatly relieves me…  I don’t believe that there is a greater gift we as artists can offer our community than to expose them to theater that is both new and timeless.

I’m so grateful to become friends with Kimberly and can’t wait to see what else this woman is hiding up her sleeves!  For more information on this hot, talented, British babe and her many projects and endeavors, check out Kimberly’s website and ‘Like’ her on her FB fan page!

Julie Andrews, adventures in casting, and finding my own voice…

Uh oh it’s already October???  The leaves are changing colors, winds are actually starting to gush with anticipation, kids are picking out their Hallows Eve costumes… and I’m just happy to be here in this beautiful city.

Things have gotten progressively more interesting in this concrete jungle.  Throughout the past few weeks, I’ve been an auditioning fiend seeking opportunities every which way I can and have been striving to apply all the things I practiced throughout my actor-business course.  It’s been exhilarating and challenging, but has kept me moving in the direction of my dreams.  I got to have my biggest “nerd-out” moment when I was waiting in the hallway at Pearl Studios to audition for How to Be a New Yorker (written & performed by my lovely friend Margaret Copeland) when none other than JULIE ANDREWS graciously walked by . . . An entire childhood of me waking up at the crack of dawn just to be the first rooster in the neighborhood to go out to the backyard, throw her arms open wide, and sing “The Hills Are Alive” came flashing before my very eyes!  As she approached me, Ms. Andrews said (in the loveliest way possible) to me, “Hello.”  My jaw dropped, my eyes started to glisten, and when words completely failed me, all I could do in response to her was bring my hands to my mouth and blow her a kiss — as if to say “hi”, “thank you”, “I love you”, and “You’re fabulous!!!” all at the same time!  Those of us quietly waiting our “audition-doom” held our breaths until she disappeared around the corner, and then at last we could geek out!  It was the loveliest of lovely moments in the theater community.

Another endeavor I have most recently taken on is getting a chance to work so closely with the most wonderful woman and dear friend in the industry, Liz Ortiz-Mackes.  Liz is an incredible casting director for film, tv, and theater who teaches at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, and holds workshops all over the city.  I’ve been interning for her, which is an immense privilege, as she has given me access to so many great learning opportunities from the casting perspective.  As an actor, I can’t begin to describe how valuable it is getting to know what goes on the other side of the table in auditions.  Under Liz, I’m developing an understanding and a true appreciation for all the work that goes into making these auditions possible.  So much of what we (the actors) think is going on in an audition has almost nothing to do with us.  Our job is actually so much simpler . . .  If you’re an actor reading this, I highly recommend Liz’s book, “Ace Your Acting Audition: Using Iconic Specificity and Other Surefire Techniques” . . .  Good common sense for every actor.  Working for Liz is just wonderful.  She has such a warm, gracious spirit; however, she’s been in the business long enough to tell you when to cut the bullsh*t . . . That is why I love her.

While I have been sharpening my toolbox full of applicable acting methods, self-promotional tools, and networking with incredible people in the industry, something else has happened or is happening to me . . . I don’t quite feel like the same person I was when I started this enterprise.  Obviously, I’m bound to experience growth, change, and expansion . . . It just isn’t quite what I had expected.  A big endeavor that has recently begun to take shape is the development of my singing career. . . I’ve come into the awareness that I am meant to sing to the fullest extent possible.  I’d been saving (or hiding) my voice strictly for musical theater purposes all these years, but I’m finding that I can no longer keep putting it in some sort of “castability box” where the world can typecast which character it belongs to.  It’s almost as if my voice has been calling out to me saying, “Honey, get thee to a voice coach pronto! We’ve got a lotta singin’ to dooo!”  And for the first time in years, I feel my heart starting to light up in ways I hadn’t felt in a very long time.  One of the awesome mothers that I babysit for has kindly offered me a flexible position of assisting her with her middle school choir program . . . It truly touched me in the most unexpected way that she had so much trust in my ability.  I’ve also started taking coaching lessons from a very prominent vocal artist in the city who is determined to help me find my true voice, and I couldn’t be more excited.  I’m ready to commit wholeheartedly to all the facets of my blossoming career!!!

Stay tuned for more of my crazy, wonderful adventures! xoxoxo